Friday, August 28, 2009

別人需要的人


在Code Blue-- Doctor Heli裡面聽見了一句話:“人如果不被別人需要的話,是生存不下去的。……不管是學習還是工作,(大家)都努力成為別人需要的人。”


是啊,好貼切。雖說很多時候做任何事情,其實都是為了自己,可是換另一個角度去想,其實都是為了成為別人需要的人。如果情侶之間感覺不到對方對你的需要,如果朋友之間可以是有沒有你的出現都不在乎,如果家人並沒有對你有所期許,那生活中的種種目標都似乎只是空殻,實現了,可是能分享的人只有自己的時候,又有甚麼珍貴可言。如果,努力學習得好成績,家人的開心同學的羡慕會讓你更加有成就感。如果工作得到上司的稱贊,那一路走上去才有意義。


雖然是沈重的話,可是卻是現實啊。


這部日劇雖然沒有《醫龍》的緊張與高迭起伏的劇情,还是有可观性,因为它道出了生活中許多真实的無奈。雖然無奈,還是得在無奈中努力,期望每一天會更加美好。


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剛好今天(8月28日)在電郵看見這個故事,和之前寫的多少有點呼應:


一位退休教授,跟老妻過著優游的生活,早上一起爬上小山崗舒展筋骨,下午他料理陽台的花草,又或看看雜誌,妻子則和朋友到咖啡室聊天。他們唯一的女兒,在美國定居。


月前一個晚上,朦朧間他感到床墊濕了,是老妻尿床。他推推她,發覺她已沒有反應。


「節哀順變。」不少親戚朋友說。

「謝謝關心,我會的。」 他極有禮貌地回答,沒失方寸,一派學者風範。


暗地裡,他部署一切。花草贈給鄰居,向人借的書籍郵寄送還,然後,走上律師樓立遺囑。 全部準備好了。在月圓的晚上,銀光薄薄的灑滿一室,他亮起微黃的檯燈,寫下最後的話。 面前,是一瓶藥丸。瓶子上,他看見老妻微笑。就在他打開瓶蓋的時刻,電話響起。他拿起電話筒,一把熟悉的聲音傳來:


「爸爸,我在機場,我好想陪陪你。」

他猛然醒覺。


老教授向我說完他的故事,喝一口香片,緩緩道:


「最有效防止自殺的東西,不是學術修養,不是心理醫生,不是豐厚財富,


原來是一種簡簡單單的被愛感覺 。」

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

勇氣

剛才和大家吃飯。後來和朋友聊天提及以後升學的事情。噢,對我來說,其實還滿沈重的。不過,意外從朋友那裡得知原來那3年bond可以延遲,條件是要兩個擔保人。因為我們都覺得,好不想待在這裡,如果要升學,那就想選一些歐美國家。

不過,我和他提到一件事啊,如果不趁現在還有多少想出去的心情的時候出去,那之後就會習慣這裡的生活,然後就再也提不起勇氣出去了。現在才想起當年中學剛畢業時候的我有多麼大的勇氣,毅然想要到德國去留學,一點都沒有後患之憂,然而,現在卻沒有這種勇氣了,真是的。越長大就越愛躲在溫室裡,然後過自己封閉式的生活嗎?我不想這樣,儘管我能深深感受到這種感覺已經一點一點地腐蝕我了。光是用想像的,想像自己會踏出熟悉的地方,心裡就多少有害怕的感覺。

不過,還是得努力嘗試掙脫啊。

Thursday, August 20, 2009

村上春樹與感言

都沒有看書很久了,感覺自己好像和這世界脫軌了很久。


看文學作品和看時事新聞是很不一樣的。雖然一直沒有和時事脫節,可是時事在傳媒中所表現的就是大眾喜好的那部分,也可以是根據大眾喜好所過濾的。而文學,之所以不同,是作者根據時事而創作出的作品,而挑選甚麼樣的主題來創作,當然是根據他個人本身的選擇。所以,好的文學作品能讓你看見平常被遺漏或過濾掉可卻又是重要的那塊。好的作者也是巨人,讓你站在他肩膀上看得更遠。


其實沒有甚麼看過村上春樹的書,而最後看過的那本也不記得是甚麼名字了。不過讀到他這篇耶路撒冷文學奬得奬感言,感到感動,所以在這裡轉載。

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譯者:Lucifer 朱學恆

原載:http://blogs.myoops.org/lucifer.php/2009/02/25/alwaysstandontheeggside


我是以小說家的身份來到耶路撒冷,也就是說,我的身份是一個專業的謊言編織者。

當然,說謊的不只是小說家。我們都知道,政客也會。外交人員和軍人有時也會被迫說謊,二手車業務員,屠夫和工人也不例外。不過,小說家的謊言和其他人不同的地方在於,沒有人會用道德標準去苛責小說家的謊言。事實上,小說家的謊言說的越努力,越大、越好,批評家和大眾越會讚賞他。為什麼呢?

我的答案是這樣的:藉由傳述高超的謊言;也就是創造出看來彷彿真實的小說情節,小說家可以將真實帶到新的疆域,將新的光明照耀其上。在大多數的案例中,我們幾乎不可能捕捉真理,並且精準的描繪它。因此,我們才必須要將真理從它的藏匿處誘出,轉化到另一個想像的場景,轉換成另一個想像的形體。不過,為了達成這個目的,我們必須先弄清楚真理到底在自己體內的何處。要編出好的謊言,這是必要的。

不過,今天,我不準備說謊。我會盡可能的誠實。一年之中只有幾天我不會撒謊,今天剛好是其中一天。

讓我老實說吧。許多人建議我今天不應該來此接受耶路撒冷文學獎。有些人甚至警告我,如果我敢來,他們就會杯葛我的作品。

會這樣的原因,當然是因為加薩走廊正發生的這場激烈的戰鬥。根據聯合國的調查,在被封鎖的加薩城中超過一千人喪生,許多人是手無寸鐵的平民,包括了兒童和老人。

在收到獲獎通知之後,我自問:在此時前往以色列接受這文學獎是否是一個正確的行為。這會不會讓人以為我支持衝突中的某一方,或者認為我支持一個選擇發動壓倒性武力的國家政策。當然,我不希望讓人有這樣的印象。我不贊同任何戰爭,我也不支持任何國家。同樣的,我也不希望看到自己的書被杯葛。

最後,在經過審慎的考量之後,我終於決定來此。其中一個原因是因為有太多人反對我前來參與了。或許,我就像許多其他的小說家一樣,天生有著反骨。如果人們告訴我,特別是警告我:「千萬別去那邊,」「千萬別這麼做,」我通常會想要「去那邊」和「這麼做」。你可以說這就是我身為小說家的天性。小說家是種很特別的人。他們一定要親眼所見、親手所觸才願意相信。

所以我來到此地。我選擇親身參與,而不是退縮逃避。我選擇親眼目睹,而不是蒙蔽雙眼。我選擇開口說話,而不是沈默不語。

這並不代表我要發表任何政治信息。判斷對錯當然是小說家最重要的責任。

不過,要如何將這樣的判斷傳遞給他人,則是每個作家的選擇。我自己喜歡利用故事,傾向超現實的故事。因此,我今日才不會在各位面前發表任何直接的政治訊息。

不過,請各位容許我發表一個非常個人的訊息。這是我在撰寫小說時總是牢記在心的。我從來沒有真的將其形諸於文字或是貼在牆上。我將它雋刻在我內心的牆上,這句話是這樣說的:

「若要在高聳的堅牆與以卵擊石的雞蛋之間作選擇,我永遠會選擇站在雞蛋那一邊。」

是的。不管那高牆多麼的正當,那雞蛋多麼的咎由自取,我總是會站在雞蛋那一邊。就讓其他人來決定是非,或許時間或是歷史會下判斷。但若一個小說家選擇寫出站在高牆那一方的作品,不論他有任何理由,這作品的價值何在?

這代表什麼?在大多數的狀況下,這是很顯而易見的。轟炸機、戰車、火箭與白磷彈是那堵高牆。被壓碎、燒焦、射殺的手無寸鐵的平民則是雞蛋。這是這比喻的一個角度。

不過,並不是只有一個角度,還有更深的思考。這樣想吧。我們每個人或多或少都是一顆雞蛋。我們都是獨一無二,裝在脆弱容器理的靈魂。對我來說是如此,對諸位來說也是一樣。我們每個人也或多或少,必須面對一堵高牆。這高牆的名字叫做體制。體制本該保護我們,但有時它卻自作主張,開始殘殺我們,甚至讓我們冷血、有效,系統化的殘殺別人。

我寫小說只有一個理由。那就是將個體的靈魂尊嚴暴露在光明之下。故事的目的是在警醒世人,將一道光束照在體系上,避免它將我們的靈魂吞沒,剝奪靈魂的意義。我深信小說家就該揭露每個靈魂的獨特性,藉由故事來釐清它。用生與死的故事,愛的故事,讓人們落淚的故事,讓人們因恐懼而顫抖的故事,讓人們歡笑顫動的故事。這才是我們日復一日嚴肅編織小說的原因。

先父在九十歲時過世。他是個退休的教師,兼職的佛教法師。當他在研究所就讀時,他被強制徵召去中國參戰。身為一個戰後出身的小孩,我曾經看著他每天晨起在餐前,於我們家的佛壇前深深的向佛祖祈禱。有次我問他為什麼要這樣做,他告訴我他在替那些死於戰爭中的人們祈禱。

他說,他在替所有犧牲的人們祈禱,包括戰友,包括敵人。看著他跪在佛壇前的背影,我似乎可以看見死亡的陰影包圍著他。

我的父親過世時帶走了他的記憶,我永遠沒機會知道一切。但那被死亡包圍的背影留在我的記憶中。這是我從他身上繼承的少數幾件事物,也是最重要的事物。

我今日只想對你傳達一件事。我們都是人類,超越國籍、種族和宗教,都只是一個面對名為體制的堅實高牆的一枚脆弱雞蛋。不論從任何角度來看,我們都毫無勝機。高牆太高、太堅硬,太冰冷。唯一勝過它的可能性只有來自我們將靈魂結為一體,全心相信每個人的獨特和不可取代性所產生的溫暖。

請各位停下來想一想。我們每個人都擁有一個獨特的,活生生的靈魂。體制卻沒有。我們不能容許體制踐踏我們。我們不能容許體制自行其是。體制並沒有創造我們:是我們創造了體制。

這就是我要對各位說的。

我很感謝能夠獲得耶路撒冷文學獎。我很感謝世界各地有那麼多的讀者。我很高興有機會向各位發表演說。

原文:

Always on the side of the egg
By Haruki Murakami

I have come to Jerusalem today as a novelist, which is to say as a professional spinner of lies.

Of course, novelists are not the only ones who tell lies. Politicians do it, too, as we all know. Diplomats and military men tell their own kinds of lies on occasion, as do used car salesmen, butchers and builders. The lies of novelists differ from others, however, in that no one criticizes the novelist as immoral for telling them. Indeed, the bigger and better his lies and the more ingeniously he creates them, the more he is likely to be praised by the public and the critics. Why should that be?

My answer would be this: Namely, that by telling skillful lies - which is to say, by making up fictions that appear to be true - the novelist can bring a truth out to a new location and shine a new light on it. In most cases, it is virtually impossible to grasp a truth in its original form and depict it accurately. This is why we try to grab its tail by luring the truth from its hiding place, transferring it to a fictional location, and replacing it with a fictional form. In order to accomplish this, however, we first have to clarify where the truth lies within us. This is an important qualification for making up good lies.

Today, however, I have no intention of lying. I will try to be as honest as I can. There are a few days in the year when I do not engage in telling lies, and today happens to be one of them.

So let me tell you the truth. A fair number of people advised me not to come here to accept the Jerusalem Prize. Some even warned me they would instigate a boycott of my books if I came.

The reason for this, of course, was the fierce battle that was raging in Gaza. The UN reported that more than a thousand people had lost their lives in the blockaded Gaza City, many of them unarmed citizens - children and old people.

Any number of times after receiving notice of the award, I asked myself whether traveling to Israel at a time like this and accepting a literary prize was the proper thing to do, whether this would create the impression that I supported one side in the conflict, that I endorsed the policies of a nation that chose to unleash its overwhelming military power. This is an impression, of course, that I would not wish to give. I do not approve of any war, and I do not support any nation. Neither, of course, do I wish to see my books subjected to a boycott.

Finally, however, after careful consideration, I made up my mind to come here. One reason for my decision was that all too many people advised me not to do it. Perhaps, like many other novelists, I tend to do the exact opposite of what I am told. If people are telling me - and especially if they are warning me - "don't go there," "don't do that," I tend to want to "go there" and "do that." It's in my nature, you might say, as a novelist. Novelists are a special breed. They cannot genuinely trust anything they have not seen with their own eyes or touched with their own hands.

And that is why I am here. I chose to come here rather than stay away. I chose to see for myself rather than not to see. I chose to speak to you rather than to say nothing.

This is not to say that I am here to deliver a political message. To make judgments about right and wrong is one of the novelist's most important duties, of course.

It is left to each writer, however, to decide upon the form in which he or she will convey those judgments to others. I myself prefer to transform them into stories - stories that tend toward the surreal. Which is why I do not intend to stand before you today delivering a direct political message.

Please do, however, allow me to deliver one very personal message. It is something that I always keep in mind while I am writing fiction. I have never gone so far as to write it on a piece of paper and paste it to the wall: Rather, it is carved into the wall of my mind, and it goes something like this:

"Between a high, solid wall and an egg that breaks against it, I will always stand on the side of the egg."

Yes, no matter how right the wall may be and how wrong the egg, I will stand with the egg. Someone else will have to decide what is right and what is wrong; perhaps time or history will decide. If there were a novelist who, for whatever reason, wrote works standing with the wall, of what value would such works be?

What is the meaning of this metaphor? In some cases, it is all too simple and clear. Bombers and tanks and rockets and white phosphorus shells are that high, solid wall. The eggs are the unarmed civilians who are crushed and burned and shot by them. This is one meaning of the metaphor.

This is not all, though. It carries a deeper meaning. Think of it this way. Each of us is, more or less, an egg. Each of us is a unique, irreplaceable soul enclosed in a fragile shell. This is true of me, and it is true of each of you. And each of us, to a greater or lesser degree, is confronting a high, solid wall. The wall has a name: It is The System. The System is supposed to protect us, but sometimes it takes on a life of its own, and then it begins to kill us and cause us to kill others - coldly, efficiently, systematically.

I have only one reason to write novels, and that is to bring the dignity of the individual soul to the surface and shine a light upon it. The purpose of a story is to sound an alarm, to keep a light trained on The System in order to prevent it from tangling our souls in its web and demeaning them. I fully believe it is the novelist's job to keep trying to clarify the uniqueness of each individual soul by writing stories - stories of life and death, stories of love, stories that make people cry and quake with fear and shake with laughter. This is why we go on, day after day, concocting fictions with utter seriousness.

My father died last year at the age of 90. He was a retired teacher and a part-time Buddhist priest. When he was in graduate school, he was drafted into the army and sent to fight in China. As a child born after the war, I used to see him every morning before breakfast offering up long, deeply-felt prayers at the Buddhist altar in our house. One time I asked him why he did this, and he told me he was praying for the people who had died in the war.

He was praying for all the people who died, he said, both ally and enemy alike. Staring at his back as he knelt at the altar, I seemed to feel the shadow of death hovering around him.

My father died, and with him he took his memories, memories that I can never know. But the presence of death that lurked about him remains in my own memory. It is one of the few things I carry on from him, and one of the most important.

I have only one thing I hope to convey to you today. We are all human beings, individuals transcending nationality and race and religion, fragile eggs faced with a solid wall called The System. To all appearances, we have no hope of winning. The wall is too high, too strong - and too cold. If we have any hope of victory at all, it will have to come from our believing in the utter uniqueness and irreplaceability of our own and others' souls and from the warmth we gain by joining souls together.

Take a moment to think about this. Each of us possesses a tangible, living soul. The System has no such thing. We must not allow The System to exploit us. We must not allow The System to take on a life of its own. The System did not make us: We made The System.

That is all I have to say to you.

I am grateful to have been awarded the Jerusalem Prize. I am grateful that my books are being read by people in many parts of the world. And I am glad to have had the opportunity to speak to you here today.

…………………………………………………………

後來,終於記起,最後看的村上的書,那本我送給班主任的書--《東京奇譚記》,想念它。

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Chocholate by Yasmin Ahmad

Yasmin Ahmad


导演Yasmin Ahmad的遗作,引人深思。

故事大纲

一个沉静平实的故事,反映马来西亚人生活中面对着多方面的矛盾,即使生活并非处处如巧克力般甜美,日子还是得继续过下去。

[http://15malaysia.com/films/chocolate/]



Monday, August 17, 2009

忘了打招呼

八早九早醒來,原想看有沒有筆記可以印,筆記沒有,不過看見一封Hall fellow寄來長長的email,倒是提醒了我一些東西。

原來,我才回來一個星期,已經忘了如何說嗨咯。

真是奇怪的感覺。在美國,就算是陌生的人,也會跟他打個招呼。可是在這裡,好像就被這裡的冷漠不知不覺地腐蝕。謝謝他的那封email,提醒了我一個簡單又重要的動作。^_^

Sunday, August 16, 2009

我的新寵

在離開美國之前在免稅商店逛逛。原本是想買保養品的,可是最後買不成,卻意外被一個香水瓶身吸引住。好美的瓶子,不知道味道如何。噴一噴⋯噢,那味道實在是太好聞,感覺超舒服超有感覺的。再望價錢,還真有點貴,可是猶豫不到5分鐘,我便決定要把她帶回家。其實之前就想要買非常可愛的Harajuku香水,每個娃娃都很可愛,然後也試了每一個的味道。雖說有2-3個感覺還不錯,可是卻還沒有到直接讓我愛上的程度,所以一直遲遲猶豫未買。 可是Armani Code這一個真的很不一樣,一聞就愛上她了,再加上瓶身的設計不是一般的美,我真是沒有拒絕的理由。有時候真覺得買東西要看緣分。看見了,再加上所有東西都很完美,又能如何不心動呢?

找來一些照片分享。我只知道我愛這個設計這個味道,可是她真正的味道到底是甚麼,我真說不出來。不過,感覺就是輕成熟女人的味道,帶一點年輕的甜美,又有一點成熟的性感,還有正如廣告中說的--神秘。噢,簡直就是超棒!

香調:魅力花香調
前味:苦橙、意大利柳橙、小花茉莉
中味:橙花、純淨天然茉莉精粹
後味:香草、蜂蜜

阿瑪尼Giorgio Armani CODE女士香水藴含著神秘的獨特氣質,是一款性感的東方調香氛。它以橙花香為主調,並且藉由體溫的變化散髮更多層次的氣味,令人無法掌握,有著難以抗拒的神秘香味。橙花及姜的香味,混和了檀香等香味,形成這個讓人無法忘懷、令人神魂顛倒的香味,加添您神秘迷人的氣質。



少有一見鐘情的設計,有我喜愛的 Lace 花樣



成熟路線的 Armani Code平面廣告,卻感覺模特兒演繹不出那個韻味




可愛到不行,下次有機會再買。


好娃娃型的 Harajuku 廣告,喜歡~


囫圇與思考

明天又是上課日。雖說要整理思緒然後浩浩蕩蕩地踏入大四,可是沒想到懵懵懂懂就過了一個星期。感覺好對不起自己啊,所有答應自己的事情都沒有實現。說甚麼大學三年回想錄、教授趣事、工作經驗等等一一沒有兌現。是不是越來越不愛寫東西了呢?是不是越來越懶惰了呢?我都極不願去承認那是事實。倒不如說如果承認了,那就間接給這一切未完成的工作一個藉口和句號。我還是會去做的,可是真覺得需要一些刺激。


其實心裡面很想去改變。可是回到來以後又那麼自然地踏回以前的步伐,跟回以前的心態。然後沒有思考地日復一日地做一樣的東西:起床、上課、吃飯、工作、睡覺。生命中應該有更多可貴的事情可以去實現,可是卻因為沒有思考,讓日子以最平常不過的方式溜走。如果沒有思考,那人就是失去靈魂的空殻。好可怕。總是想要觀察人,總是想要過一些自在舒適的生活,總是想要另類。如果停止思考與觀察,我知道,我甚麼都不是,甚麼都不會是。


所以,晴れ雨家和小天為證,我一定要有思考,不再日復一日地囫圇我的生活。


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剛才遇見朋友,聽他說下午他要出去跳舞。很不錯,為自己喜歡的東西而生活。